The Ballad of Piratey Bob

pirates1Yarrr! It be International Speak Like a Pirate Day yet again, and I have risen from the depths of Bridlington to regale you with the Ballad of me life, a life of sadness and woe, interspersed with manic insanity and violence. I will explain how I came to the interweb and where I have been since my last activity on the old Lolocaust forums of yore. Read on, or may Davey Jones claim your soul – or at worst make you fetch him a Boneless Box from KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN!!!I were born in the late smixtheen hundereds, the son of a Ship’s cook and a Jamaican coconut oil seller. My youth was the usual fun; drowning poor people in the lagoon and watching re-runs of Shiver Me Timbers with The Chuckle Brothers. Life were great, I lived in a little shack at the edge of a swamp, and by my eighteenth birthday I was ready to go out into the world and sail right to the very edge of existance (yes I know the world is round ‘now’ but then it was as far fetched as expecting Anne Robinson to age). I built a small craft – The Odd Cockschafter – and set off to find my fortune. Instead I found a world of smut, filth and piracy. It was GREAT!


That’s me there with the shirt off, a strapping lad on a boat crewed entirely from local special needs pirates – Don’t judge me! They work cheaply and don’t tend to complain when I feed them their slop. Were it not for me they would all be dead; which they are actually. Turns out that the boy with Tourettes upset a rival crew.

I’d have blamed the parrot.

Soon enough I was dangerous enough to be feared, and sexy enough to make some money on the side in the world of internet theme porn! I made dozens of movies with the hottest of wenches, but soon enough the lure of more money took me down a shadier path, and soon I had an alter-ego – Piratey Roberto, The Phallic Pirate of Penzance. The gay scene loved pirates, and after being offer a seven figure salary for ‘Pokin’ on the Poopdeck’ I decided to take the plunge – so to speak. It was a mistake.


The film was directed by an excitable Asian, with a penchant for male rape! Soon I was pressured into bumming a deckhand while my big black friend watched and rubbed his big bald bollocks!

I was left in depression, my weight ballooned, and I felt like I had no-where else to go…


That’s me on the floor at the head quarters of the Semi-National Order Of Pirate Entertainters, Yeah – SNOOPY – after being refused a role in a children’s TV show. My shady past as a cock for hire had ruined my otherwise excellent past as the terror of the seas. They were not interested in how many sea-men I had sent to a watery grave, instead the amount of semen I had shot up a watery slave. The bastards!


Soon enough I fell into some good fortune as a couple of local wenches needed a strapping pirate to assist them with a perilous journey, one involving the internet and forums. I was the perfect candidate. They needed to spread the word about a new nerd friendly event – International Speak Like a Pirate Day! I was tasked with converting users at the Consoles and Conkers forums. I did well, and soon worked there yearly, until one year it was like ghost ship. I needed excitement and I needed it bad, it was the best I’d ever had… then it hit me, take a crew and explore the seas once more.

But things had changed. The world was all technomological.

We were captured by some evil scientists in Denmark who transformed my new crew – again ‘borrowed’ from the Rainbow Foundation – into little plastic toys. Using our images they mass produced little kits that children could make into piratey goodness. Which is great, but being a plastic model has it’s drawbacks, namely you can’t wipe your own arse and people always lose your hat.


I look like I am happy there, but I am anything but I swears! I had just been rescued from the mouth of a two year old, who must have confused me for one of those teething toys. With baby spit dripping out of my arse holes I worked out that I needed a very special kind of help, and called up an old friend…

Finding a computer was easy enough, and jumping from key to key I emailed the one person who could halp me out of this plastic prison predicament – Ninja Sue!


Now it is a fairly common misconception that pirates and ninjas are constantly in a pitted battle for supremecy of the world, but the truth is that we sorted our differences out ages ago, and have a whole team of promotional executive types who keep the legend alive, selling thousands of slogan shirts and mouse mats in the process. I mean thing honestly for a moment, we are actually keen on the same things. We both love well planned slaughter and we both love to play Buckaroo! Ninja Sue was a perfect helper, and by perfect I mean a wench the likes you have never seen. Eyes that could lead a man to his death, thighs that could crush a coconut shell and a pubic weave that is simply breathtaking! No sooner had I jumped squarely onto the enter key did Sue appear with one of those poofs of smoke ninjas use to hide the fact that they are scratching their rear ends. She scooped me up and carried me to a far off land inhabited by bizarre creatures, laying in the shadow of the statue. There were people with fruits for heads and a young blonde fella trying to become a pirate – not doing too well as it happens… he’d NEVER best me, no matter if he did defeat the Swordmaster of Melee Island. At the heart of the island lay a volcano of blue flame. I was tossed into the hot hole – no not a gay porn thing again – and I emerged human again, and focused on a goal. Only one man could help me now… new King of the World – King Obama of Americaland.


King Obama loved me! We discussed the situation in the Middle East, the problem with Canadians and the eventual plan to invade Japan again. He offered me Americaland’s considerably healthy – despite what the newscasts say – bank balance to build a new ship and set sail into the history books as the first Pirate to walk on the moon. Plans are afoot fr a launch this time next year! I hope you will join me for more of my story, and I hope you enjoyed it all so far!

Happy International Speak Like a Pirate Day 2009! May your day be full of Oooohs, Arrrrs and Yarrrrs! Grab a wench, steal a kiss and drink and drink until you piss (then drink more)!


Piratey Bob shall return in 2010 – A Pirate Bobbysey!


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