Lolocaust Exclusive: Our Man On The Ground Reports Back On The 3DS, Jane Goldman’s Tits And Supermarket Meal Deals!

Dr Hock Writes…

Turns out I was one of a couple of thousand people worldwide to reply to a rather unassuming email from Nintendo last week, inviting me to their pre-launch gland-held event. I’m pretty sure it was send to all Nintendo VIPtards.

Nintendo didn’t make the event particularly easy to find. Like all proud-cock launches, Shoreditch’s Brick Lane seems to be a favorite. Maybe the aspirational media nobs who work for VICE magazine can’t carry Oyster cards as their jeans are too fucking skinny to pop one in the pockets.

Actually, basing the event in London’s wanky Shoreditch seemed entirely logical. According to my research, it has the highest quantity of skinny jeans, assymetrical hair cuts and neon “sweater-vests” per capita of any region in the world outside of Nintendo’s hometown of Kyoto.

This Sunday it also had the highest density of VG nerds outside of Japan. Nothing made sense.

@YOU – This bit’s important – So I roll up late, get a wristband for entry in 30 minutes, decide to go get a £2 meal deal from Tesco Express and 10 cigarettes. I chug a woodbine, drink half a can of diet coke; accidentally dropping the rest. I eat half an all-day-breakfast sandwich and drop the other half on the pavement. I pick the dropped half up , dust it off and nom it down. Actually, this bit isn’t important, I’d just thought I’d share with you what a fucking retarded bum I am. #connectwithreader

Outside Wank Street

I know Brick Lane pretty well, but it still took me half an hour to find the venue; not because I’m a pratt but because Nintendo staged the event out of some fire-doors in a car park at the back of an indoor market (instead of a lavish reception at the ambassador’s reception) – Although they did have a Ferrero Rocher pyramid 🙂

Let Us Tell You Via The Medium Of 3D, That It Is In 3D

Basic it was, but I can only think it was down to Nintendo being a little short of cash at the moment. They only managed to scrape a tiny $2.8million operating profit last year. I’ll buy you a pint, Ninty, just stay out for one more will you. Go on. Go on.

I grab my pretty uninspiring fluorescent (what else would it be) but none-skinny (oh) wristband and head up a few flights of stairs which were probably more accustomed to vomit, urine and escaping American bankers from WTC Tower 1 – only with this clientèle a little more urgent to get to the last step.

A quite cute and small room greets us with an even smaller but less cute promo girl shouting about how the 3DS will swap data with other other. It’s cool to swap data but Wikileaks it aint; not unless Miyamoto is up for extradition to Sweden following an accidental slip of his stylus into a Nintendcat’s muddy Starfox. The girl tells us our bespoke Street Fighter 4 characters will fight with on another in this way. By “way” I mean by on the go data-swap, not by slipping a stylus in a cat. This process (the data swap) is explained to us via a clever interactive lightshow on the floor:

NerDisco

Hands In Pockets Hiding Gamerections/Nerd-Ons

The room has a few nice little props including the slap-on-it’s-own-back display of Nintendo’s previous hand-held hardware. Curiously the original game-boy on display has suffered terrible browning to the case. Are you telling me that they have NO pristine consoles left? Get on ebay ffs. Four cases of “epic win” as the kids say. In the skips outside are four boxes of PSPs, covered in hipster cum and tears.

Handora's Box
Geek Moths, Drawn By The Back-light

It’s time. To face. The moosic. We are told to follow the girl (most of us never normally need this prompt) and go through a curtain into a second room – The Street Fighter Room thingy. Complete with authentic fruit and veg cart and simple traditional abode (not to be confused with Albert Square). It’s Ryu. The SF music kicks in and he gets up. Getting a semi right now. He walks over to the left. Ken walks in. FIGHT! Now this is the proper erection section.

For Best Friends They Sure Do Fight A Lot

Ryu starts the fight with a fucking black-flip-kick!!! Raging tumescence!!!! Ken looks like Ken. What the hell has this got to do with the launch other than to wrip us into a dirty nerd-frenzy. If they carry on like this we’ll be rutting in four dimensions. Ken performs a Shōryū-ken while shouting “Shōryū-ken” while we all mouth “Show-doo-Kurn”. Ken takes one in the gut (we all know it’s in the nuts”. The fight finishes just as they both start performing a Hadōken. The audience shoots wet fire from their balls. The air in here smells brakish; smells of pure man. Pure gland.

Pwn Balls

We cock-fight for the best photo opportunity and pole-vault into the next “holding” room.

Another promo girl shouts at us over some loud music (I think they lost the remote) and a weaponised woman appears “I’m Claire Redfield” the American actress let’s us know. Stiffy-amplification! Fuck Yeah!! A weaponised man appears “I’m Chris Redfield” the west country body builder lets us know. Embarressing giggles are heard. Thanks Chris. 😦
It’s safe to say that the hard-on we all brought in from the last room has now shrivelled to an invert. The air clears and it normalises. It now smells of Lynx over B.O.

L to R: Claire Redfield - Pixie Lott - 'Barry' Redfield - Shoreditch Tree Surgeons Tarquin and Emille

We are hurried through a really dark room with some groping zombies and a chainsaw wielding Dr. Salvador, who all pose for us without the need for a real-time button press to get the the next presentation. I refrain from roundhousing and stomping on the head of the female zombie.

We are invited to move into the final holding room. No, let me rephrase; the geek cattle are herded into another shed for further milking. There’s more music to drown out the pathetic giggling and smartphone shutter-noises and another promo girl shouts something. Then a large TV springs into life – we’re being addressed by (former) comedian and Letterman wannabe, Jonathan Ross.
Best known for being a media scapegoat and for recent work on his wife’s massive tits, Wossy is also known for his informed and enthusiastic grasp on popular culture, so is quite a nice addition to the evening. He addresses us as if we are the chosen few and talks excitedly about the console and his wife’s tits (no I’m not making it up). Whoop whoop from the 90% male audience. 10% of whom may have seen some boobs before. 50% of whom only saw their mum’s during suckling.

"...FweeDee Mawio and Kid Ikawus... My wife's tits... massive... Red Hair... Wussel Bwand..."

It’s on. Wossy finishes and we go into a large room to run riot. More consoles than people we have about 20 minutes in this extremely dark room to play a handful of games on our own. With the 3D effect being a little tight on the eyes, the worst they could have done would have been to shove all these geek into a dark room with the new tech for the first time. We all know the VG nerd has the eyes and melanin levels of an earthworm, but please treat us gently at first.

Nothing much to report here, we’re told to GTFO after a bit, and to go into a wider room where we’re free to fiddle with the games in an exit room. The theatre; finished. The erections; flaccid. The jokes; never got started.
The final room is a more chilled affair with plenty of promo girls on hand, all of whom are really well informed, knowledgeable and look cracking in tight black outfits. Andy Gray you have nothing on me.

Former Shadow Creatures From Ico Have Finally Found Some Employment - THANKS LIB-CON GOVT!

Former Shadow Creatures from Ico finally found some employment

I suppose I should talk about the console and games then. OK but only a bit…

Screens
Graphically a large step-up from the DS, if only for what it now pushed in frame rate. Top screen is twice as sharp and everything moves supersmooth. Don’t expect iPhone4 dpi. Looked pretty dump with the 3D switched off. Bright.

3D
It works, it bloody well works. It looks lush, the depth was simply superb in some games. When playing in dark rooms it is tiring. So don’t. On a couple of games I moved from 100% to 50% on the 3D effect slider just to take the edge off. The 3D sweet spot is not at tight as I though it would be, so allows a little movement of the head away from the fron tof the screen. Caused some issues with the AR games (below) where you move around while pointing the console.

3D Camera
Crap in low light. Wonderful in good light. Lovely. It really works.

Front Camera
Poor in low light, not great in good light. But does it need to be anything other than a reaction cam? Worked well for shoving face into games / avatars.

Controls
As per the DS now with added analogue nub thing. This works exactly as it should and is nice and stiff. Fnnar!

Network
Didn’t get to play around with it. Played with some Mii creation.

Traditional Games
With so many classic re-runs, Nintendo are the videogame equivalent of DAVE. But with increasingly unfunny and juvenile content. Brief overview:
Resi 5 – No news. 3D doesn’t really add much.
Nintendogs & Cats – This was wonderful. Looked razor sharp and felt tight. 3d touching.
PES – Depth of field was great. This was really nice.
Pilot Wings – Boring but pretty. 3D helped with immersion and collision detection.
Kid Icarus – Not boring and pretty. Fun. Felt like a work in progress Space Harrier.
SF4 – Couldn’t be arsed to play it.
Riiiidge Racer Thing – Dull. Looked shabby.
Dead or Alive – Tidy.
Zelda OOT – No idea how I missed it if it was there at all!!

Augmented Reality Games
Comes pre-installed with some AR games when you buy it apparently. Combined with the “gyro” technology built into the console I was amazed. Truly.
The two AR games I played around with were amongst the stand out experiences of the evening. Seeing a stone Bowser stretch and burst through the table in front of me was wonderful. In “Face Raiders” (Crisps or Porno?) I got to shoot some floating camera mug-shots in the room i was standing in. While AR is not new – the 3D makes it feel right for the first time. I can’t explain how all this works – I just sound like a mentalist. I think the AR application will be the big draw for people once they play it.

Trailers
Mario Kart – Looked like a very pretty Mario Kart DS
Metal Gear Solid – Breaking the fourth wall in 3D.
Starfox – Or something
Animal Crossing – Looked like a very pretty Animal Crossing WW
Paper Mario 3D – Some muthafucker had nicked the cart!!

Film
Documentaries and Films from BSkyB. These look wonderful on the screen. Really impressed. I’d be quite happy to nom through a 3D feature on the train. Really crisp and 3D effect as you’d hope for.

These Nerd Tanning Booths Were Armed and Fully Operational
Hello Boys!

Would I buy one?

Yes.

Nintendo will shift a bucketload. By the time the PSP and smartphone and tablets start implimenting this technology, Nintendo will have made their monies and be honeymooning in a Shoreditch stairwell, feasting on dropped sandwiches and Diet Coke. The tight-asses.

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