MUST BUY – Street Cleaning Simulator*

So here’s the thing. Sometimes games get made for some reason known only to a select few – and a handful of American conspiracy theorists no doubt. This week sees the release of the long-awaited(?) STREET CLEANING SIMULATOR!!

I’ve been waiting for a game such as this for AGES! As such I have traded in my new copy of Ocarina of Time so I have enough credits at GAME to buy this piece of soon-to-be gaming HISTORY!

Caution, this article is not Safe for Work or persons of a nervous disposition.

Here’s the SCINTILATING information from the publisher’s website:

Street Cleaning Simulator
Street Date:
 10th June 2011
Price:
 £24.99 
From: Astragon\TML Studios
PC-DVDBrush off the dirt and make a clean sweep as you embark on a career to become an accomplished street cleaner. Use your highly detailed sweeping machines to roam the city in search of muck. As your experience grows so will the tasks you have to deal with!Get swept up into fighting the flotsam and jetsam of city life with Street Cleaning Simulator!

HA! WE LOVE PUNS! MAKE MORE PUNS AND YOU WILL HAVE A GAME WITH ‘WIDE APPEAL’ I BET!

In Street Cleaning Simulator you are the proud owner/operator of a small firm specialising in keeping the town’s roads free from all the leaves and dirt that accumulate over time.

Yes ‘leaves and dirt’… if it was a PROPER simulator I would have expected the range of ‘filth’ to include; condoms (discarded after being inflated, hilariously), condoms (discarded after being used on some back street whore), condoms (discarded after a gang rape of the dwarf actor Warwick Davies), condoms (discarded after having a crafty ‘wetsuit wank’ in the office while Julie from accounting is sat on the next desk, showing a little bit more thigh that usual, the dirty, dirty tart… ), condoms (discarded after realising that those ‘flavours’ do nothing to disguise the fact that you are still sucking off your landlord’s grotesque, infected penis), condoms (discarded after a brave move to attempt some bloodsport penetration ended in horror), an odd shoe, condoms (discarded after failing to make even a small fit with any resistance whatsoever), fag ends, dog shit, flyers, condoms (dropped accidentally on the night that you finally caught the debilitating STI that you deserved) and dead rats (that dies after choking on discarded condoms).

Visit your office to learn what work the Mayor’s office has for you.

OOOOHHHH! Probably cleaning up dead prostitutes ahead of the Olympics and picking up a couple, direct from Ed Balls’ Soho flat… Also, consider the madcap schemes Boris will come up with… most would probably involve giving all Londoners access to their own sweeper on a rental basis. Like the Boris Bikes, Johnson’s Jobbers.

Your vehicle is a highly sophisticated street cleaning machine. It’s equipped with three highly powered and independently operated brushes.

It’s like KITT from Knight Rider had sex in a car wash, with the car wash, while a box van wanked an oily load of ejaculate into the writhing mass. A few months later a scream would be heard coming from the car wash’s inner workings as a tiny orange little street sweeper rolls out covered in a primordial goo. Maturing quickly it would enrol with the Mayor’s office to do what it does best…

Whose work can be supported by highly powered water jets – which are needed to remove that stubborn street dirt.

That dirty, bastarding ‘Stubborn street dirt’ – why won’t it just fuck off eh? I’m fed up of it. I had got used to the 90’s hipster dirt, but this street dirt is far more stubborn, innit tho?

You’ll be operating on busy streets so you’ll have to use your driving skills to avoid pedestrians and other road users.

Alternatively you could run EVERYONE over and build up a human soup in the back. Mmmmm, chunky.

Remember to use your wing mirrors to help prevent crashing your vehicle.

As well as your steering wheel. Actually more so the steering wheel. I reckon you could manage without the mirrors, but a street sweeper without a steering wheel would be as pointless as Ryan Giggs’ super-injunction. (He had sex with Brian Dowling from Big Brother apparently, while Davina watched and chastised them when they used swear words while rutting like two sweaty otters)

Don’t forget to fill up with fuel

The. Fuck?

…and water…

Erm… Well…

…and empty out the muck from time to time. 

Much like this article then…

Street Cleaning Simulator features highly detailed vehicles and a wonderfully crafted town for you to explore – and keep clean!

See? SEE? The town has been WONDERFULLY CRAFTED, not just ‘rendered’ or ‘designed’ but ‘WONDERFULLY CRAFTED’ – rumour has it that they have employed some Marks & Spencer planners to ensure that it isn’t just ‘wonderfully crafted’ but is, instead ‘crafted from the finest sea-stone brick, held together by the first menstrual bleed of the whole of China’s school-age girls; topped with the best cardboard known to mankind and peppered with the skin of the homeless.’

Minimum System Requirements
– Windows XP (SP3)/ Vista / 7
– Processor with 2.6 GHz Duo Core
– 2 GB RAM
– 2 GB free hard drive space
– NVIDIA GeForce 98xx or equivalent ATI graphics card
– DirectX 9.0c
– Sound card
– DVD drive

I assume that this means that it will run on my Dragon 64.

Now you may call me old-fashioned – and many do on account of the fact that I don’t ever go to the doctors’ surgery, instead self-prescribing treatments sources from the local swamp – but that sounds THRILLING!

Hell, even the MD of Excalibur, Robert Stallibrass, knows for a FACT that “Street Cleaning Simulator has wide appeal”.

Wide appeal!

And why not? The vehicle has three “highly powered and independently operated brushes” which has certainly ensured that it has a wide appeal.

So if like me you’ve always wondered why it’s always ex-cons and paedophiles that get the best job in the world – Street Sweeper Driving, not Gary Glitter – then this game is for you, and me, and everyone.

It has WIDE APPEAL!

WIDE!

APPEAL!

(Like Gary Glitter’s victims’ anuses)

If you don’t like the look of this game then you are clearly the sort of person who thinks that Call of Duty VII – The Thickening is a great game… I bet you buy licensed clothing ranges and eat at trendy sushi bars. This game is not for you, it’s for you. Yes you. Despite not actually being for you, it is perfect for you.

* Caution: May contain elements of sarcasm.

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