Metal Gear Solid Touch: This Is Our Final Mission (Please God)

Sex Talks About Apps: Metal Gear Solid TouchSnakey bongos!

Seriously though, I’ve heard that if you skip all the cut scenes in Metal Gear Stupid 4: Guns of the Patriots, you can clock it in about an hour and a half. That’s ironic because MGS Touch, billed as MGS4 without the cutscenes, took me an hour and a half from start to finish (I got stuck on Mantis for half an hour). That’s not good for a game that costs £1.49, and it’s really not good for a game that reduced to that from seven quid.

That’s the bad. The ugly is that the stealth gameplay is gone too. MGS Touch is a shooting gallery, plain and simple. The gameplay feels bolted on as an afterthought, as if the whole game were a tech demo to see whether they could get MGS4’s environments to work on iOS, whereupon the project was cancelled and they had to figure a way to claw the money back. I use the phrase “As if” ironically, by the way, as I am ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED THAT THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

In summary, MGS Touch takes one of the most reviled games in the series and robs it of its sneakybollocks runaround gameplay and Hideo Kojima’s unintentional comedy genius. It’s a bit like paying for a blow job where all you can feel is the odd tooth.

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