Bouncy’s Bit of the Microsoft Press Briefing that Can Simply Do One…

The briefing that Microsoft gave in Cologne (the city, not while doused in a gallon of Old Spice) had a lot of highlights – as discussed here – but also it came with enough turkeys to bring Bernard Matthews back from the dead and see him recommence his murderous turkey-strangling ways.

Want to find out what bothered me? Hit the jump…

So first off there was this guy’s shirt…

I mean, come on now. If you are opening a conference for the world to view, you at least tuck in correctly. I bet his mum was probably very cross.

The next thing that properly annoyed me was the return of the Xbox Chat Pad. Now I hated this when it first came out because it made the controller look like a Blackberry phone, and now it is back – with customisation options on two buttons.


Two customisable buttons??


The Chatpad is back, and this time it’s personal!


I hope that no-one from Microsoft reads this and decides to market it with that tag line.

I should probably delete this now.

Nah, it’ll be ok.

So yeah, the chat pad can fuck off, again. And yes, it’s personal.

DVR on the Xbox One can also do one, I get that it may appeal to a minority, and I applaud the decision to offer it, but not for me as I don’t watch TV really, and all my shows are available on demand.

In the ID@XBOX segment they brought out some guy who had worked on the Castlevania series, he had a hat and a rubbish whip (and a translator, obviously, who failed to explain the hat and rubbish whip but did helpfully translate ‘Thank you very much’ as ‘cheers’. Which seemed a little unnecessary). Now it isn’t the idea of Bloodstained that I have an issue with, I LOVED Master of Darkness on the Master System when I was little, and that was essentially a Castlevania clone – albeit one with Jack the Ripper blended with Dracula thus making it BETTER than Castlevania on every level – but this BIG feature showed so little of the game they may as well have also brought our a concept translator who could take the two images we were shown and then used performance mime or expressive dance to represent gameplay. I loathe it when big stage time is handed over to half-baked games. So shame on you Koji Igarashi. Use that whip on your PR team. Or yourself if you don’t have one. Be like Silas in The Da Vinci Code.

Direct X 12.

Couldn’t have cared less about the last six Direct X things and having people from Square Enix/FF produce a tech demo couldn’t have been less exciting. On the plus side it did allow me to go and get a Tunnocks Tea Cake.

The poor nervous man from Mojang who was there to talk about Windows 10 edition of Minecraft was clearly having a very bad day, and it’s unfortunate that he managed to stuff up the announcement of his own game, Cobalt. Especially as it has potential to be a great couch experience. Next time maybe hire that sweary woman from the Ubisoft conferences.

Dark Souls 3. Still couldn’t give a monkeys. I know that the series has its fan base, but I have better things to do than shield creep.

Fifa 16?

Fuck off 16 more like!

There’s some AMAZING HALO NEWS apparently. Something about a limited edition XB1 console and a Halo World Championship but I didn’t really listen after they brought out a Northern ‘Shoutcaster’. I mean honestly, ‘Shoutcasting’ is just the most wanky thing ever.

No, actually a ‘Shoutcaster’ referring to something as ‘CLUTCHEST!’ is the wankiest thing ever. A quick Google search reveals that ‘Clutch’ is indeed a thing, it has been for a while, but that does not act as a saving grace, it’s still undeniably WANKY!

Forza 6 will have rain in it. Like what Project Gotham had ages ago, but in Forza so it’s obviously ‘cutting edge’.

Rainbow Six: Siege – which frankly is on my hitlist – had the most underwhelming trailer ever which amounted to some people closing some windows on a boat.

Finally I can’t really not mention Rise of the Tomb Raider. Now I accept that I also have this game in my ‘highlights’ section, but it’s impossible to avoid how bloodthirsty the trailer made Lara appear. During the live conference Twitter was ablaze with Tweets like this:

It wasn’t lost on folks that this wasn’t the Lara we thought we’d see from the early trailers. There is concern that the series will stray too far from the sensitively handled path of before.

But then this was just a short trailer. I genuinely believe there will be better balancing on the whole.

Yeah, bloodthirsty Lara was a big NOPE from me.


One thought on “Bouncy’s Bit of the Microsoft Press Briefing that Can Simply Do One…

  1. Rise of the Tomb Raider second to only Fallout 4 on my ‘Most Wanted’ list – but yeah, that trailer was more like a Rambo promo

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