REVIEW – ABZÛ (PS4) – By Mad Old Dr Ham C. Hock

 

[This week we asked our blacklisted veteran Lolocaust Games Reviewer, science fiction writer, science writer, futurist, inventor, undersea explorer, and television series host to talk a little about the new under-sea exploration game by Giant Squid Studios – Ed]

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“Hello there, perfect-footed readers”

“Why hello there, you beautiful specimens. Look at you all – MARVELS of the modern age, perfect skin, teeth.  No massive deformations of the limbs.  Startling! Truly wondrous.

in 1959 I predicted there would be global broadcast of fish-based simulations and – LO AND BEHOLD – here, in my smoke-filled front room, on the beach front in Sri-Lanka, the prophesy is realised. I have in my hands a wondrous realisation of aquatic marvel called ABZÛ.

The video game “ABZÛ” lives in my magic Sony image box and projects a mysterious simulation of undersea archeology and watery fauna through my light emitting diode array panel.  Or as you plebs would call it – my “VisionTelly”.

Just like the wretched blood-beans within my own deformed blood canals, the game emphasises the deplorable pastime of swimming, and furthermore it promotes exploring peaceful interactions with aquatic animals.

In the game, my characters feet are normal, symmetrical and not at all massively swollen to three times its usual size.  This fills me with great pleasure.  While I play this game I try to not break immersion (pun intended) by looking down at my own terrible monstrosity, which I am doomed to carry with me until my demise.

It’s my foot you see – it’s as big as a deck chair. The size of which was not part of my brilliant prediction in 1959.  It’s such a terrible distraction. An ungodly cross I have to bare.  Thank goodness for Mr Crichett.

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My Man Servant, Mr Critchett, Preparing Dinner.

Abzu is not a multiplayer game, yet while playing, I engage in extra player stimulation.  I am sitting here with my man-servant Mr Critchett, whom has removed all of his clothes and is performing a traditional dance from the Mande region of West Africa.  He glides like a ghoul just out of view – his shadow dancing across MY FOOT! IT’S LIKE A FUCKING SUN FISH!

While I soar underwater, exploring the fishy delights of Abzu, Mr Critchett is simulating the shoaling and predatory behaviours of these virtual fish.  Incorporating interaction with them, while his delicate, and pearly white man-member twirls and spins in my periphery. Like a monster from the deep – lurking in the darkness, betwixt two deep-sea prawn balls.  Abuxt his hairy kraken.

I really don’t know what I’d do without him. When I have my funny turns he’s always there to calm me right down. THE FOOT! He calms me right down. FFFOOT!

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Mr Critchett Meant Well With His Gift

THE FOOT! THE FOOT! THE MASSIVE FOOOOOOOTTTT! MR CRITCHETT!! MR CRITCHETT!

8/10″

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