We at the Lolocaust
bedsit headquarters know how tiring it can be keeping you the reader up to date with the latest news and gossip from the world of PornHub popular culture.
Our team (us) was sent to EGX 2016 this week to discover the latest and greatest the world of videogames (one word) has to offer. Only one problem – they (we) were going to be WALKING AROUND for in excess of 8 hours.
Between queuing and meandering around stalls, our team (just us two) may burn UP TO 1000 CALORIES!!! A seriously dangerous undertaking for sedate middle-aged men in cosplay.
Leaving the Lolocaust
flat nerve-centre unprepared is fraught with danger – one could easily die of malnutrition or simply “turn to dust” if the correct levels of food and drink are not consumed during a gruelling day of hard-core churnalism.
Here’s our DEFINITIVE guide to safe and measured videogames-journalism-consumption by our two intrepid reporters (still us) at this year’s EGX 2016.
6:10am – Protein Balls
Shortly after waking, we washed our balls, sprayed the obligatory Lynx Africa (in case we ended up having sex with ladies) and took time to replace the calories and lost electrolytes during the scrubbing process by eating a tiny amount of toothpaste (+20 cal) from the end off a small brush (you mean “brushing your teeth” – ed)
RUNNING TOTAL = +20 calories
STATUS = IMMINENT LOSS OF LIFE, BUT YOU DIDN’T ACHIEVE ANYTHING WITH IT ANYWAY
6:45 – Fat
We hit the road and “chew the fat” for an hour. Unbelievably this doesn’t GIVE us energy as it’s simply a term for “talking” which USES UP calories. DANGER ZONE! (-60cal each)
RUNNING TOTAL = -100 calories
STATUS = MEDIUM DANGER- PREPARE FOR BODY TO DIGEST NON-ESSENTIAL ORGANS (PENIS)
8:00 am – Pit Stop
Time for a pit stop to avoid fainting. Our team (us again) grabbed some low glycemic index snacks and got back on the road. Latte (+50cal) & Energy Drink (+210energies)
RUNNING TOTAL = +160 calories
STATUS = OUT OF DANGER [REMOVE EMERGENCY ANKLE TOURNIQUET AND ALLOW BLOOD TO FLOW TO FEET]
9:30 – Breakfast
Emulating the tough nutritional regime followed by the by the world-class cyclists “Team Sky”, it was time to carb-load (as they call it) in advance of the main event. What better way to start the day than with Bacon double whopper with cheese (+1020cal), fries (+60cal) and a Coke for hydration (+200). Our assistant tucked into slow-release energy source known in elite-athletic-circles as a “Double Sausage and Egg Muffin with Cheese” (+680cal), a Bag of Hash Brown Rounds (+330cal) and a Latte (+50cal)
RUNNING TOTAL = +2500 calories
STATUS = SAFE [FOR THE MOMENT, HOLD OFF FEASTING ON THE FROZEN FLESH OF THOSE WHO DIDN’T SURVIVE YOUR PLANE CRASH]
11:30 – Eleven-thirty-ies
Traditional in these parts of the UK is “Elevenses”. Tradition dictates that one consumes another 480ml can of Monster energy drink (+210energies), and the third Latte of the day (+50cal) plus two muffins (364cal each) and STFU GUZZLE FOR ENGLAND.
OUR RUNNING TOTAL = +3124 calories
STATUS = TOO SAFE [SUGGEST PLAYING DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION UNTIL NOVEMBER]
3:00pm – The Stealthy Option
Still feeling bloated from breakfast, we go for a refreshing and sensible pick-us-up to see us through to 6pm. Because it’s what Ian Rush drinks, we’re on our 3RD energy drink (+210energies), 4TH latte (+50cal) and go for an apple (+95cal), orange (didn’t eat) and banana (+105cal) because the weight of eat-guilt is fast becoming heavier than the weight of the rapidly growing gaming saddle-bags.
OUR RUNNING TOTAL = +3584 calories
STATUS = DANGEROUSLY SAFE [ATTACH SMALL WHEEL TO FRONT OF GUT TO TAKE STRAIN OFF LOWER BACK]
8:00pm – Didn’t Skip Leg Day
We’re on the road after suffering 8 hours on our feet. Sustenance levels are at an all time low. It’s only by the grace of God we stumbled across an Oasis in a sea of parked cars on the A14 and crawled on our distended bellies into the medical centre known as KFC SANS FRONTIERS. Famous for his sports-nutrition work while in the army, Colonal Kentucky was on hand at the right time to administer a weapons-grade transfusion, allowing us to live another day. 2 Sweetcorn (+170cal), 1 Beans (+105cal), 12 Mini Breast Fillets (+1500cal), 4 Dip Pots (+60cal), 2L Pepsi (+850cal), Large Popcorn Chicken (+469cal), 4 Regular Fries (+1240cal).
OUR RUNNING TOTAL = +7978 calories
STATUS = FOOD COMA RISK [RECOMMEND TRAVELLING WITH A COLON SPECIALIST FOR THE NEXT 2 HOURS]
10:00pm – Oh My God I’m going to fall asleep at the wheel
Avoided a colonic arrest up until now. Centre of gravity is 8″ lower than that at the start of the day. Consumes the 5th Latte of the day (+50cal) and a chocolate donut hmmmmmm (+231cal)
OUR FINAL TOTAL = +8259 calories
STATUS = BARELY LIVE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY.
So as you can see, we only just made it. Let OUR diary save you from the pain of malnutrition during any future enthusiasts expo.
My Stools – Now A Solid 8/10