EGX 2016: Where were Microsoft and Nintendo ?!

2-waldo

EGX 2016 was a marvellous, broad, enthusiastic expo, held in the world’s greatest city of Burmingum.

But there was something amiss – as if millions of nerds suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.  It genuinely didn’t become apparent to us until about three or four hours in when Bouncy pointed it out…  There was no sign of any dedicated Microsoft or Nintendo stands.

Our completely made up Lolocaust sources have put their tattered ears to the ground and come back with a list of DEFINITIVE reasons why the two behemoths of gaming aren’t here this year:

 

2-calmBRUMMIE-TUMMY
They were in the bogs.  We’ve all been there – first day in a foreign country – everything is all lard-dee-darr then BLAM – for five hours straight your body somehow creates, then evacuates, 12 pints of scalding hot rusty water through an acid-burned balloon knot.  .
Probability = 80%

 

2-brexitEGXIT MEANS EGXIT
Following June’s Brexit announcement, Nintendo and Microsoft are currently camped just outside Calais.  Misunderstanding that leaving the European Union will take years to formalise, the two companies take turns at night to sneak between the wheel arches of HGVs bound for Solihull.   At this rate, their press team will assemble at the NEC in March 2017.
Probability = 1/4%

 

2-kinkSEXY SEXY BATMAN TIME
The sexual tension over the last fourteen years has built up to a climax.  Nintendo has Microsoft tied up in Sony’s PlayRoom and like a very polite Christian Grey in Wario cosplay, is “fucking them into next week”.  And they are loving it.  This has come as no surprise to anyone in the industry.
Probability = 9½Weeks

 

2-waldoWHERE’S WARIOLDO?
They are trapped somewhere in the above photo of the Tokyo Game Show 2016, lost inside the hyperbole they themselves created as an Allied “gears-of-war-fog-of-war” to disguise the poor performance against the Sony 6Axis of EVIL.
Probability = -14%

 

2-philHAMHOCK’S HAIR
The two giants of video games saw that HamHock (me) was not bringing his hair to EGX2016 and, with both companies being blindly reactive to any competiive industry moves this generation, they decided it was right to follow suit. Please note that HamHock still has more hair than MS’s Phil Harrison AND Dino Dini combined (combed more like! – ed) and is not at all touchy about his rapidly retreating thatch.
Probability = Twelvety%

 

2-whitmanFAKE DEATH
By their own standards, console sales performance this gen have been patchy for both Microsoft & Nintendo.  As with all “last-season-winners”, Microsoft and Nintendo are basking under the Maui sun with “WHITMAN, PRICE, AND HADDAD!!!” – their debt to society PAID IN FULL (really dead).
Probability = ONLY IN A RE-RUN

 

2-price

Microsoft and Nintendo’s Absence – A Liquid 8/10

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