Well, it’s all done and dusted. E3 is over for another year and now we have just under 360 days until we get to do it all over again. But how on earth will we cope with a non-E3 existence? Luckily I have some life coaching tips and hacks to make your life bearable as we shamble through the rest of the year.
TIP NUMBER ONE
Don’t watch trailers for games and films, except on a Monday night at 2am. Save them all up and then blast through them. For added comfort have a vaguely interesting relative come in and say things like “EXCLUSIVE!” or “IF IT’S NOT FUN, WHAT’S THE POINT?!”.
TIP NUMBER TWO
Related to TIP NUMBER ONE, buy a newspaper every day but only read them between a Sunday and a Tuesday, one at a time with a four hour gap in between. NOTE: The Sun is not a newspaper so don’t buy it.
TIP NUMBER THREE
Go to work as usual but spend all morning complaining about how you didn’t sleep much last night, and when your colleagues ask you why not you must come up with an excuse because staying up until gone five in the morning watching a collection of trailers and reading newspapers from last week is a quick route to the psych ward.
TIP NUMBER FOUR
Get on an aeroplane and jet off to a massive city and surround yourself with people. Every time someone puts something down, for example a Starbucks cup, a hat or a beloved pet, quickly grab it before someone else does before turning your back on as many people as possible and ensuring that you sweat as much as possible through your palms. After five minutes, pop the item back down, nod casually and wander off without saying a word.
TIP NUMBER FIVE
Book a hotel room and stick pages from Edge Magazine on the bathroom mirror.
TIP NUMBER SIX
Go to a cinema with a laptop, a phone with a portable charger attached and a video camera. Because NOTHING you will see will be available to anyone else, anywhere else.
TIP NUMBER SEVEN
Speak to a Japanese person about games. Preferably one that doesn’t speak English as they will enjoy being asked about Bayonetta 3 AND you get to indulge in casual racism.
TIP NUMBER EIGHT
Base an entire opinion on something based upon a flyer, a free pin badge and five minutes of time on a game. SO WHAT IF IT IS A 200+ HOUR RPG FEST! Snap decisions all the way through. Do it in McDonalds based upon a picture on the board and then declare as loudly as possible that the burger on offer is GREAT or MUNDANE BULLSHIT!
TIP NUMBER NINE
Invite the world press to cover your weekly trailer/newspaper session but ensure that they report on it sarcastically, as if you were the ‘And Finally…’ of the show, and even then only because nothing good was uploaded to Twitter this week.
TIP NUMBER TEN
Go to Eurogamer Expo and refuse to call it anything other than E3.
TIP NUMBER ELEVEN
Change your Twitter handle to “XXX @ E3” and leave it like that. Forever.
TIP NUMBER TWELVE
Post pictures of a carrier bag with a leaflet on it. You can find these at Open Days at Universities, on Markets and (if you are quick enough) you can grab some from charity shops. Always end tweets with #SWAG
TIP NUMBER THIRTEEN
Change the Internet in your house to dial-up and then try to post five hundred news articles a day, without murdering your family.
FINALLY! TIP NUMBER FOURTEEN
Lick every possible surface around you, become Patient Zero in some pandemic crisis and know that your lack of common sense and hygiene means that you have contracted EVERY illness, including fictional ones from off of films. Laugh at people who carry hand sanitiser as they are germ fearing losers, like Robbie Williams. Don’t be a germ fearing loser. Lick the toilet with the same enthusiasm as Bear Grylls eating a shit filled worm.
So there you go, follow these tips and you’ll never notice the lack of E3 in your life.